YourTango explains how to keep the spark alive for years to come.
We all know that relationships take work, and there are several key behaviors that help couples create a healthy relationship. Although their attempts are not always perfect, healthy couples have a committed mindset as they continue to evolve and change as the years go by. They recognize that "good enough" is, well, good enough and that there is no such thing as a perfect relationship.
Read on to learn the 12 ways couples can work toward a healthier and happier relationship.
1. They have sex.
Sex is a healthy part of their relationship. Although it doesn't define their relationship, sex is an important part of it. However, that being said, and while we are on the topic, let’s debunk the myth of "regular sex" right now. There is no such thing as regular sex. What is that anyway? Who knows, who cares. Someone somewhere came up with the theory that two times a week is regular sex. Uh, no.
Regular sex is whatever the couple decides is regular sex. That could be once a week. Once a month. Twice a week. Twice a month. You get the gist. Importance is placed on what is good for the couple and what works for them. Not anyone else. Not any other couple.
2. They're curious.
Couples are curious about each other by nature, and curiosity will remain as long as they are together. They ask questions. They remain open to trying new things.
Remember the beginning? Remember when you were excited to do new things together and were curious and interested about the other person and his or her life and interests? That hasn’t changed. We are hardwired for novelty and seek that out. Are you doing things that create novelty in the relationship?
3. They're open.
For discussion, that is. Couples discuss, share, argue, and disagree. They talk about things that are important to them. Even the difficult subjects. Effective communication skills are vital to having a conversation that doesn't become circular in nature (though some always will) but is more inclined to have a resolution, even if it's that the couple agrees to disagree. Both people can use their voice.
Caution for those couples who say they never fight. There is no such thing! All this means is that someone is deferring all too often and is not being honest or truthful about how he or she feels. (Read my blog: Relationship Advice: How to Fight Fair.)
4. They unplug.
They work hard to stay connected, and sometimes that includes disconnecting from things so they can reconnect again. They recognize that it isn’t always necessary to be connected to the outside world.
One-on-one time is important. There are many benefits to unplugging. Besides, when did the TV, smart phone, or computer become more important than your relationship?
5. They create space.
They create time together and time apart. Both are vital. And necessary. Too much time together can make people feel that they are losing their identity and their individuality.
Continue to be the person your partner or spouse fell in love with. Happy couples recognize their differences and embrace their similarities—not perfectly, but they do. Couples are in a search to find time to be a couple yet also maintain their sense of self.
Besides, time apart makes you cherish the time together and creates a "missing you" feeling that enhances intimacy.
6. They cultivate.
They seek out and cultivate outside interests. How couples negotiate this varies. However, individual interests keep the novelty alive and create space between couples, which is needed so they remain curious about each other.
Neither person is threatened by a partner’s interests with family and friends that do not always include them. They recognize this is part of who they are. Important!
7. They don't hold baggage.
Let's face it: We all have baggage—some more than others, others less than some. Some have a carry-on (this is good) while others tote a four- or six-piece set of luggage (not so good). If you are toting the four- or six-piece, consider speaking to a pro about what you're going through. It helps to be equipped to take care of your own "stuff."
8. They are one and done.
They know that a slight or falter does not define the person they are (unless this is an ongoing problem). We are all fallible and make mistakes. We say and do dumb things.
People learn how to look at the situation in its context, not as a single error that the person will be defined by.
9. They grow.
Healthy couples continue to grow and evolve. They put the effort into being a better person. They bring their best self to the table. Remember the early days, when time and care were put into how we look and take care of ourselves?
Although there is an element of minutia in life, happy couples work hard not to settle into a routine that prevents them from growing.
10. They ebb and flow.
Couples recognize that relationships have their own ebb and flow. No two relationships are the same. How each couple manages the ups and downs of life (there will be plenty) is a critical factor in staying healthy.
Healthy couples don’t focus on all the negative and understand that to have the good times, you have to recognize that there will be difficult and challenging times.
11. They list.
Each person can list many positive things they like/love about their partner. They can talk openly about their struggles as well as the positive things they like about each other.
Yes, there will be challenges and things that drive you crazy! But they are able to look past those things and focus on the good.
12. They know the "happiness factor."
Each person doesn't hold their partner/spouse responsible for their happiness. Never works! Sure, it's nice to feel validated and hear those words. It's equally reassuring that your partner makes you happy—but the happiness you feel from your partner should be secondary to how you feel about yourself. Happiness starts at home!
This is not to say that happy couples maintain their healthy relationship flawlessly, because they do not. They do, however, work hard at consistently approaching their partner with respect, openness, and a willingness to be introspective enough to examine their mistakes, make necessary changes, and improve.
Originally written by Kristin Davin, YourTango
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